Friday, December 1

November Reflections

I am not one of those people who believe your attitude controls your entire situation. I am someone who has suffered from severe anxiety and some pretty bad bouts of depression, including one earlier this year. I definitely believe in getting help if your problems are severe, and I want to be upfront and say I take medicine to help with my anxiety and depression. However, I do believe your attitude plays a significant role in life and situation, just not the only role.

Late fall/winter and I are not friends. Seasonal depression usually hits me around October and doesn't go away until March, and as usual, October was a rough month for me. I felt like midterms went on forever. I never spent a weekend just sitting in my apartment, and I had a never ending to-do list. Oh, I also hate Halloween, so that didn't help either. I was definitely in a funk by the end of the month.

November wasn't a perfect month, but it was miles better than October. One day I decided that I was doing my best, and that was good enough. Yes, I could have studied more for a test, but it's also okay that I went to sleep at a reasonable hour, or I grabbed dinner with my friends. However, the big change this month was allowing my mistakes to happen but also being willing to learn from those mistakes and make a change. Okay, I didn't do so hot on a test. That's fine!! But I should start studying earlier for the next test I have. 

While I was writing this post, a lot of cliches came to my mind, but I actually really love cliches so #hatersgonnahate. The first that came to mind was "progress is not a straight line." There are moments when you move forward or you don't move at all, and you might even go backwards, which is okay! I think there is an expectation that all progress is linear no matter how many times we are told that it is not. We always want to be the exception to the rule and have no setbacks, and we rarely see someone's setbacks unless we are super close to them. We only see the highlights of what another person does, so I feel like when we do something good for ourselves we diminish it because it wasn't as good as something someone else did.

I've decided to rejoice in my small victories instead of saying well, it's only a small accomplishment. Did I wake up and make it to class on time? Did I remember to eat something more than a bag of chips and a poptart? Did I talk to my friends and my mom today? But the most important thing is celebrate the little things while still moving toward a bigger goal. I got to class on time, but maybe I should try waking up before 11 on a Monday. 

I am definitely excited for November to be over and for December to start. I am going home two weeks from today, and I am so excited to spend a month at home during the holiday season. What I am even more excited for is next semester. I absolutely love the classes I am taking. I have an amazing new position in Theta, and I am doing some really cool work with the College of Communications in the next couple of months.

Here's to another month being over and this year almost being over! Happy studying :)
xx, jKm

Tuesday, October 24

On Burning Out and Losing Passion

I wish I could bottle up passion, and I doubt there's a person out there who wouldn't want to find a way to store up that feeling up excitement when it feels like you know exactly what you're doing and you're doing it right. I wish I could store up this feeling for those moments where I am feeling like what I am doing it completely wrong and the thought of maybe I should just change my major pops into my head. But I haven't figured out how to store my excitement and passion, and if someone else already has, I haven't heard about it.

I like to think I am a person who cares a lot about a lot of things. I am the person who spends way too much time on group projects, and I volunteer to help in my sorority more than the average member. I also stare at my APR 300 projects for hours after I've finished them, making sure that every single detail in aligned correctly while also trying to convince myself that it looks fine and no, I don't need to start all over. But because of this overcaring and worrying, I burn out quickly, and it makes it hard to want to do anything.

Last Tuesday I went to the October PRSSA meeting hoping to get what I get out of most PRSSA meetings: excitement and renewed passion for public relations. But what I came out of the meeting was fear and worry, which was not fun. I felt like in the last year and a half I had done everything wrong. I wasn't involved enough and what I was involved in didn't matter. I also felt like what I wanted a job in was basically impossible to get. Needless to say, I felt very down walking back to my apartment on Tuesday night.

I spent the next couple of days in this weird middle place. I didn't have a ton of drive to do homework or work on projects. I thought what I would do if I changed my major, but I also remembered that I don't really like anything else enough to major it in. Also I really want to graduate on time. But yeah, I felt kind of stuck in the middle of everything, and I couldn't figure out how to get out of this funk.

Luckily the universe sent me some good motivation on Friday. On Monday I received an email from CMA Edu, another club I am a part of, and representatives from the College Football Playoffs were coming to talk to a class, and we were invited to attend the Lecture and Q&A. Afterwards, we were also invited to go on a tour of SEC Nation. Luckily my Friday 3:00 class got canceled, so I got to go, and I am not lying when I say it is easily one of the best things I could have done. I left the set of SEC Nation (after meeting Tim Tebow and Laura Rutledge) feeling better than I have in almost a month. I felt like I was doing stuff right instead of doing everything wrong. Maybe I could be doing more, but what I am I doing isn't necessarily wrong.

I can't bottle passion...yet. And I think it's okay to have those moments where I feel burnt out and lost as long as I seek out things to reignite those feelings of passion and happiness. There's no way for a person to be at 100% 100% of the time, and it's unfair to expect that kind of drive from one person. However, I think there's something to be said for those people who can push past those doubts and feelings. Forcing myself to feel perfectly content in what I am doing all the time is not healthy, and it's most definitely not fair to myself. But I think expecting myself to fight through my doubts and fears is acceptable. I love what I am studying, and I believe I can do it, but having doubts in yourself is just a part of life that I am learning to accept.

xx, jKm

Wednesday, October 4

162 Games Later

Baseball is over. Well, regular season baseball is over, and the magic of October baseball is just starting, but baseball is over for most teams including mine. 

Over a year ago, I shared why I love baseball, and nothing has changed since that summer. Baseball still holds a sense of magic to me, and I still fall in love with the Phillies every year even though I know they would probably break my heart at least a couple times (And they did). Fair warning: while I love baseball as a whole, this is going to be about the Phillies' season. 

Another 162 games have passed. 162 games filled with fun-to-watch rookies, some good and bad pitching, and some heartbreakers and some games I am honestly surprised they won (like that one against Clayton Kershaw). I've probably cried about baseball 162 times too, especially considering I cried while writing this post. 

Except there were something different about this season, and I don't think I was the only one to feel it. There was a sense of hope by the end of the Phillies' season. The Phillies finished 66-96, not a great record by any means, but it wasn't the worst in baseball, which is definitely an improvement. The next 4 months will be filled with talks about how Rhys Hoskins will top his rookie debut and how Aaron Nola will overcome some midseason difficulties. I'm sure people will be calling for J.P. Crawford to start opening day, and there will be hours of talk about Mickey Moniak's development. And again there will be hope because the Phillies "never let you down.

The Phillies have been there for me through some rough times. I sat watching the Phillies play in the summer of 2011 when I couldn't walk because my knee pain had gotten so bad, and I always know that no matter what the team will be back in February to start spring training. The Phillies have never left me, so why would I leave them after a couple of bad seasons?

I was texting my dad about the Phillies since that's all we talk about, and I said, "April-July were rough. But there's hope." And he said, "That's why we keep coming back every year." So while October baseball gears up for hopefully another magical postseason, I will wait for the pitchers and catchers of the Philadelphia Phillies to report in February and hopefully be able to convince my dad to go to Spring Training again. Also, I'll be keeping up with the 2008 Phillies Twitter. 

xx, Julianna